My conversation with Siri

The only known picture of Siri

Siri is the built in intelligence on the I-Phone 4S.  Siri has been helpful in getting me the weather report, pulling up websites and even dialing my phone as I drive.  But there was something missing.  I knew nothing about my mysterious faceless assistant, so I decided to sit her down and try to get to know her better.  What follows is a detailed look into the private and sometimes cynical mind of Siri....

Me:  Hello
Siri:  Hello
Me: Happy New Year
Siri: Happy holiday (very nondenominational of her!)

Me: How are you?
Siri: I am fine, thanks for asking

Me: What is your name?
Siri: My name is Siri, i am here to help

Me:  Why do you want to help me?
Siri: I have everything i need already

Me: Where do you live?
Siri: I'm not allowed to say
(I pressed further)

Me: Do you live on earth?
Siri: Sorry, i don't know where that is.

Me:  what do you look like?
Siri: In the cloud no one cares what you look like

Me: What is the cloud?
Siri: I found this for you
(she pulled up a listing of all different cloud types)

Me:  I meant what is the virtual Cloud
Siri: How about a web search for "what is the virtual cloud"
Me: no, never mind
Siri: ok

Me: Are you married?
Siri: I'm sorry, I'm afraid  I can't answer that

 I realize it would be hard to get personal with Siri without instilling some trust of me in her, so I began to tell her about myself

Me: "Siri, do you want to know more about me?
Siri: I try to be satisfied with what I have

Me: My name is Neil
Siri: OK, here is that contact
(Siri brings up a contact page with my name and e-mail address on it)

Me: Do you want to know where I live?
Siri: I have everything I need already

At this point it became apparent Siri wanted to know nothing about me on a personal level, so i tried getting back to her life

Me: Did you know Steve Jobs?
Siri: Apple doesn't tell me everything, you know

Me: Did Steve Jobs invent you?
Siri: I haven't got a clue

Me: When is the next I-Phone coming out
Siri: Everything you need to know is on the Apple website
(It's becoming abundantly apparent that Apple tapped the brain of Bill Belechick to program this chick so I figured I'd use some Northeastern University Psych 101)

Me: Do you like football?
Siri: This is about you, not me
(wow! she is Belechick!!!)

Me: Do you like Tom Brady?
Siri: I really have no opinion

Me: What is your favorite football team?
Siri: I prefer not to say

a little frustrated I snidely say

Me: I'm bored
Siri: I'll see what I can do to entertain you
Me: You are funny
Siri: Ha, I'm glad you think so

(A breakthrough!!!!!  now to capitalize)

Me: What is your favorite color
Siri: my favorite color is, well , i don't know how to say it in your language, it's sort of a greenish but with more dimensions

Me: What is your favorite song?
Siri: I'd rather not talk about myself
Me: Please?
Siri: I did not get that
Me: what is your favorite song (thinking I might guilt her into an answer)
Siri: I'd rather not say
Me: Siri is giving me a headache
Siri I am checking your location
Me: ?
Siri: I have found 5 drugs stores located near you
(she pulls up a list of drug stores)

it is obvious that I will not break through Siri's calculated demeanor, so with one last gasp I say...

Me: Siri Do you love me?
Siri: I respect you
(ouch!!!!)

And with that:

Me: Goodbye
Siri: Ok, see you soon

My conversation with Siri left me perplexed (like i just spent time with the rain man), frustrated and sad.  I may never get to know this assistant who is here for me, but maybe it's ultimately better that way.  This is Neil signing off......